To reward myself for the 18 lbs of weight I have lost, I bought myself a dress. :) It’s very fitted, which scared me at first, but then I got a good look and I can honestly see that I look better. :) Seeing that gave me the will to keep it up :) I am beautiful :)
so…i’ve lost 18 lbs so far this year :) I am very excited about this. I know I’ve got a long way to go but now I know it’s possible. Maybe I will wear a bikini some day. That’s something I have never been able to do and something I never thought possible. :) I guess maybe the saying is true. Anything’s possible ;)
This morning I stepped on the scale and I realized that I am down 10 lbs. :) This is real. I really am losing weight. I had always thought it wasn’t possible for me. But it is. This time I’m serious. No more fat girl for me :) The world is soon going to see the girl that I’ve always been on the inside. I can’t wait.
So far I’ve lost 6 lbs :) 6 lbs in a week, just working out, no dieting….I would say that’s pretty good.
This isn’t some tan girl covered in makeup with perfectly straight hair and a perfect smile. This is a girl with Pfeiffer Syndrome, who has had bangs her whole life to hide her forehead and struggles everyday to be okay with looking this way. She’s had several surgeries and will have a couple more. she can’t wear makeup much, her eyes are sensitive. Her jaw is misaligned. Her forehead is too thick and has to be shaven down. Her cheekdowns have to be moved forward by surgery. when she was four she had something called a ‘halo’ which was a metal circle screwed into her skull and jaw.
though she fought through it medically, she struggles everyday with the emotional sideeffects. she doesn’t look like her family or her friends. she may never look normal. she has depression and eating issues because of what she has had to accept about herself. she has done awful things to be pretty.
nobody ever sees her without makeup or without bangs.
She, is me.
and if I make your blog ugly, than don’t reblog this. but if you can be one of the few people in my life who I know are fully comfortable with it, than reblog this so people know.
you are beautiful. even if you don’t realize it, you are. everyone is,
You are beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
So…for a while now I have been putting my spiritual life on the back burner. I haven’t gone to church, I haven’t really prayed. I haven’t read my Bible or had quiet time. I just was sick of trusting and praising and loving a God who has hurt me so much in the last year. Ok ok…I know bad things don’t come from God. My pain did not come directly from God, but He did choose to let these things happen to me. Just when I thought I was getting the hang of life He would allow something to happen and my world would come crashing down yet again. So…I guess I decided that I was done. I gave up on trying to seek and get closer to God and well…life was good. Really good. Weird huh. Well in this period of not seeking God, the worst thing happened. My uncle, who I was really closed to, passed away of cancer. It was pretty terrible. But I bounced back. Quicker than I would have thought possible. And I was not leaning on God at all. It of course still hurts, but I don’t see it as earth shattering and I’m able to see that life goes on. That’s something that was so hard for me to do before when I was so close to God. Well…this last week I have been feeling that pull. You know the one where God is calling you to seek Him out again. And I’m trying. I’m reading about Him and I’ve talked to Him and I’m listening to praise music and writing to Him and drawing and doing all of the things I used to do. I do feel peace about coming back to Him…but at the same time there is this weird anxiety. I’m kind of scared I think because I am doing so well on my own. I think it’s because of this new confidence I have found in myself. I learned to rely on myself and to rely on myself I needed to learn to love myself. I’ve decided that I am going fully against religion. I’m done with church. I might attend from time to time still so I can worship…but church rituals and all the unspoken things that come along with it I’m not going to do. I’m done feeling guilty. I’ve realized that church always makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. Truth is, I’m not. But that doesn’t matter to Jesus. He chose me anyway. And truth is, I will never ever be good enough for Jesus. But that doesn’t matter. None of that matters so why should I feel like dirt? Jesus loves me anyway…no matter how much I fall short of His glory. SO I am going to go back to seeking Jesus. Not church. Not religion. I know I fall short. I don’t need to feel like it. Because when I do, that is when I can’t bounce back. When I feel bad about myself life is so much harder. Life becomes unbearable when you can’t love yourself. That is why I couldn’t get back up after bad things would happen. Because I felt so bad about myself that life didn’t feel like it was worth living. The saddest thing about that is that church is the reason behind this. Church was forever telling me that I was never going to be good enough. I already know that. It doesn’t matter. Jesus loves me. Apparently He thinks I’m worth it. So…it’s ok to feel like your worth it. Because no matter the flaws, He chose you.
My New Year’s resolution: to make this year the best year of my life…what does that consist of? Getting healthy. Helping others. Finding joy in all the little things. Being able to see the bigger picture. And remembering that no matter what bad things happen I will get through it one way or another, so why not get through it with a good attitude. I will be happy this year. I will work to see that the beauty this world has to offer. And I will try my best to seek the Lord and what role He wants me to play in this life. Life pulled me so far away from my spirituality last year. This year I’m going to work hard to get it back.
When I was in Boston this weekend I took my friend to Copley Square because it has, in my experience, two of the most beautiful churches in the country. Outside of Old South Church (a United Church of Christ church), there was this sign. Big. And it was amazing how great I felt to see Trans on there. I imagine it would be the same for someone who was homeless or a recovering addict or bisexual or something else that people often judge you for - or who had an identity that has made other religious communities abandon you or shame you. It also wasn’t just listed with things that are “problems” or difficult. It was listed with Male and Female, with Nerd and Cool Kid… I just think this sign is so powerful and I wanted to share it with everyone.
I like the idea of a church saying directly and publicly “Hey you’re trans (and this and this and that) and you’re ‘beloved.’”
“Beloved” brought tears to my eyes.
YOU ARE DOING CHRISTIANITY RIGHT. <3
I don’t see things like this often enough, so when I saw this, I thought I should share. Because sometimes, even a jaded skeptic atheist like me can be made to smile when they do it right.
Give credit where credit is due. :)
hey wow a church isn’t run by assholes wow what a fucking accomplishment good job on not being pieces of shit
I, uh… I might be a little teary-eyed. Maybe.
Proud to say I attend a United Church of Christ Church. And the people there are actually this amazing, welcoming, and loving.
It’s amazing how many of these adjectives I relate to. I normally keep religious things off of here, but I like this.